Some of you reading this have jobs that are awesome. Maybe you’re a bikini inspector, or maybe a taster of delicious desserts. Or maybe you’re a tester of comfortable mattresses. Those are pretty good jobs. So is being Taylor Swift’s bodyguard, at least in my mind. And hey, who wouldn’t want to a professional beer drinker?
Wait. I am being told none of these jobs actually exist.
Most of us have jobs that are more normal. We’re accountants or nurses, or a million other regular jobs. Most of these jobs are pretty good. Some though, are terrible. Like really terrible. I’m impressed those of you who do them for a living get through a day without punching yourselves in the face. Let’s look at the 7 that are the worst of the worst.
7. Janitor
Here’s the deal – I’m a slob. I regularly miss the toilet while peeing, mostly because I’m playing Words With Friends instead of paying attention to my stream. I’m usually stepping in puddles and mud, and then dirtying up the floor. You should see the filth that I live in. I am truly an unappealing person.
Most people are no better, and cleaning up after people is terrible. Bathrooms are disgusting, no matter how hard people try to keep them clean. We generate trash faster than my IQ drops while watching the UFC. As soon as somebody knows they don’t have to clean up their own mess, they immediately turn into some sort of farm animal. I salute you, janitors. Your job is terrible.
6. Dental Hygienist
Being a dentist is a pretty sweet gig. You get paid a lot. You get to use power tools. People respect your opinions, at least when you talk about their teeth. The dental hygienist gets none of these benefits.
It must be annoying to be a hygienist, since a full 70% of their job is yelling at people for not having clean enough teeth. Yeah, we get it, we’re supposed to floss. Now please shut up so I can get out of the dentist’s office. Hygienists get to operate a tiny squirt gun and power wash inside people’s nasty mouths all day. Sure, a dentist has to look inside disgusting mouths too, but he gets paid a crapload more.
I always get a sandwich with extra onions right before I go to the dentist. That’s what you get for charging $350 for a filling.
5. Bus Driver
Have you seen the people who ride the bus? They’re either smelly, unemployed, or crazy. People constantly lip off the bus driver, mostly because he has the audacity to ask people to pay for taking the bus. They leave their crap all over the place. People can’t drive, making driving that giant thing extra challenging.
Driving kids around is even worse. They fight, they leave their crap everywhere, and you have to deal with parents. I’d do nothing but yell at the kids the whole way home.
4. Selling Anything Door to Door
Whenever somebody comes to my door to sell something, it’s all I can do to be polite and nicely decline whatever crap they’re trying to sell me. Oh, your vacuum cleaner is awesome? JOKE’S ON YOU SUCKER, I NEVER VACUUM ANYWAY.
The only people who will ever invite a door-to-door salesman in are either senile or someone who has no intention of ever paying for that expensive machine. The rest of the time is spent repeating the same corny opening line over and over, and getting really acquainted with everybody’s front door. Stay away from my house.
3. Lumberjack
A tree could fall on you at any time. Those trees are pretty big. Plus you gotta dodge tree hugging hippies. If I was a lumberjack and some moron chained themselves to a tree, somebody would have to talk me out of taking my chainsaw right through them. Go plant a tree.
Sure, it’s pretty dangerous, but at least you get to operate power tools. Those are pretty fun.
2. Farmer
Imagine looking out, at the crop that you just spent weeks planting. The little stalks of wheat are just starting to poke out of the ground, yearning for the sun. There’s such potential. You can just imagine the people that are going to get fed from all your hard work.
And then a hailstorm comes and crushes your entire crop. Bummer.
Any business that depends on the weather is officially the worst.
1. Teacher
U.S. teachers aren’t paid a whole lot, even though they have strong unions backing them. Young children regularly cry and crap their pants. Older kids are lippy and are probably drunk in class a full 90% of the time. Schools suck all the joy out of everyone who attend. They’re a perfect breeding ground for all sorts of nasty viruses.
Then a teacher works really hard to shape their pupils, staying after school to help them, and prepping them for all the tests. The students thrive, and many of the ones that were running behind at the beginning of the year have now caught up. The year ends, and the teacher beams with pride. And then they realize they’re handing off their class to the worst teacher ever, who will undo all the good work they’ve done.
Wow. That was depressing, huh? Stay tuned for next time, where I’ll look at the best jobs. It’ll be 39 times more fun, I promise.