Jebus It’s Hot

It’s Friday. I’m supposed to have a bunch of coupons and tweets and stuff for you. I know that I owe it to you, but Jebus it’s hot as Hades here, and I don’t believe in air conditioning, so I can’t think straight. My legs are already sweating from the dang laptop and it’s only been a minute.

Before you think that I went coo coo for cocoa puffs (consult your nearest urban dictionary) you have to understand where I’m coming from. I’m cheap. Shocker! This blog isn’t called ‘Yes, I’m Cheap’ because I think it’s cute; it’s because I’m the cheapest person that I know. I absolutely refuse to buy an air conditioner when my freezer makes perfectly good ice, and when energy costs keep going up. I have never received a notice from Con Ed (that’s the energy conglomerate in N.Y.) saying, “Surprise, the rate that we’re charging you for electricity is decreasing.” That and I just refuse to buy more crap. Well, more accurately, I can’t afford to buy more crap. Follow me here.

Do you have a credit card bill? Yes? Do you carry a balance every month? You do? Do you remember what the hell you spent that money on three years ago? Neither do I. That is why I absolutely refuse to add one more penny to my credit card debt. Yes, I know that I can pay for the A/C in cash, but have you seen how much money I have in the bank – which, I hear, is only supposed to be for emergencies? You do remember that I live paycheck-to-paycheck right? Well, today’s paycheck doesn’t foresee an A/C unit in my future. Besides moving into the office where it’s a frosty 67 degrees all day every day, the only other option that I have is to walk around in some indecent state of undress and hope that the neighbors don’t call the cops…or take photos…without giving me a cut of the proceeds.

Which all leads me to the question, is it cruel and unusual punishment for Puppy to be so hot that she’s moved into the bathroom? I left her water and even dropped a few ice cubes in, but she took the ice out of her bowl and took the slivers with her into the bathroom. I kid you not. I don’t want the ASPCA knocking on my door for being a bad pet parent. So, in the interest of not getting a fine or having Puppy pass out from heat stroke, I think that I might have to buy the damn A/C. It’s only for the dog. I promise.

P.S. Does anyone else from New York remember when you were a kid and the firefighters used to open the hydrants for you to splash in? Or better yet, when they didn’t arrest you for having a water balloon fight with every single kid on your block or at least drench your worst school enemy with a Super Soaker? These kids don’t know what they’re missing!

P.P.S. I wonder what the fine would be to open a hydrant and run through a few times with the dog? Hmmm.

Image courtesy of S.I. Live Blog